Remember, Remember the 7th of November
When I think about the ease at which our attention can be redirected, I remember that it all starts with a decision to do something a little different everyday. This crossed my mind the other day because I woke up and decided to do less to nothing where I have to question how valuable I am. In my place of employment, the value I bring to the organization is an amazingly high ROI… for them but not for me. In my personal relationships, doing more than required has only created space for people to assume I had a never-ending reservoir of time, attention, and capacity for them and that I would never need the equivalent or similar. I know for sure I’ve been considered the low maintenance friend because there’s no clear and present drama that screams “I NEED! I NEED! I NEED!”, pushing them to action.
November is my birthday month and this is the first year I’ve intentionally chosen to take everyday to think about what I NEED. It’s helping me redirect my focus from things and people that don’t show that I matter. I’m talking about showing it beyond saying “you matter” because those are nothing more than words they can choose to not do anything about at their leisure.
I also thought about something someone said to me a few years ago when I asked if my presence mattered to them… their response was “it don’t matter to me if you here or not. Life will go on.” While life going on is a fact of life, that isn’t anything someone who genuinely cares about having you around would say or feel. It’s tantamount to someone you’re dating telling you that you can come over if you want to when you ask if they want you to come over. It’s passive aggressive but also very telling at the same time… also something that shouldn’t be ignored.
Regardless of what people have going on in their life, all of us have the choice to show up in places and for people who matter to us. When we don’t, it’s also a choice we’ve made. No one’s forcing us to prioritize what/who we put first. Sometimes our choices are made because we’re looking for the easiest, most convenient thing to center. However, when I look at people who choose things and people that require dedication to improvement, maintenance, and effort beyond words, I understand that longevity is also something else they prioritize. A need for instant gratification is almost always at the core of people’s decisions to choose ease or effort.
Despite November being my chosen month of ease, I haven’t put my obligations to the things and people I care about on hold. This month is also giving me space to decide what I want to continue doing through the next year of my life. Turning 46 isn’t some milestone birthday but it holds significance to me because of the lasting changes that will come. While my amount of fucks to give has been decreasing for the things that don’t really matter, they’ve been increasing for everything and everyone who does matter. I don’t know why but this year, it feels easier to express how much I care. I take that back…the 6 consistent years of psychological therapy have landed me in this emotional place.
Committing to therapy, even when I think I’m okay and don’t need it, has made me realize how much I’ve needed it and still do. Being really sensitive to the people around me and my environments used to feel burdensome and like something I should suppress. Feeling so deeply wasn’t viewed as a good thing with most of the people I’ve come into contact with during my life. I’ve entered a mental space where I no longer care if someone thinks I’m ‘overly sensitive’, taking something “too serious”, or anything else that signals someone else wants me to shrink my big feelings.
The biggest obstacle in getting to this place has been the idea that I would lose more people… especially the ones I know for sure recoil at the idea of someone being “too sensitive.” However, I’ve gotten to a place where being around those kinds of people and thoughts hurt more than the actual act of being sensitive. Allowing sensitivity to be present in my life makes me a better mother, friend, and if I ever choose to date again, I’m sure it’ll also make me a better partner. Being sensitive makes me sit with my reasons for why I’m doing something and if I should continue doing it… it’s also helped me maintain integrity to my core values when opportunities have presented themselves for me to betray myself for the warmth of someone or something else… that turned out to be temporary anyway.
I know it’s always true that we’re constantly becoming, even if we don’t think we’re doing anything in particular but…I wasn’t too sure if I liked who I was becoming after I had my daughter. It’s been some rocky roads and hilly terrain but I think what and who I’ve chosen to consistently prioritize these last 16 years is aiding in me becoming someone I can still be proud of…
…I’m looking forward to more of this self-compassion in my 46th year as my heart and mind become better friends.
