Remember, Remember the 6th of November
I wrote a post on Threads earlier today and it said the following:
“I wish more women knew it was okay to admit "I don't like motherhood." I think it isn't openly admitted a lot cuz it's immediately misinterpreted as "I don't like/love my child(ren)." These are 2 very fucking different things, despite the child being the reason we're labeled mother. Bug's (my daughter) 1 of the best ppl I know on this god forsaken planet. motherhood? MY experience? that shit's consistently more trash ass than not...it has NOTHING to do with her.
it has EVERYTHING to do with the constant failure of ADULTS AND SYSTEMS that aren't collectively committed to the overall care of mothers/parents and children. villages and villagers aren't guaranteed. hardship has become an expectation and the accompanying sentiment is that we're never owed any ease. even when givng birth. so, no, I don't like motherhood/parenting. I 100% LOVE my daughter.”
My closest friends have heard this sentiment from me and fully understand where I’m coming from…motherhood/parenthood has always been a thing that’s consumed every aspect of my life from the minute I decided to have the pregnancy. For mothers who get time to themselves, have co-parents that take their parenting responsibilities seriously, and family that would never allow them to do it all on their own, my sentiment might seem saddening and even cringey. They couldn’t fathom an existence where they weren’t supported by people who claimed to love and care for them. While their experience is just as valid as mine, neither experience cancels out the other.
Even as I celebrate myself during the month of November, I still think about my daughter everyday because MY parenting isn’t something that has days off. There was a time when it was hardening the softer parts of me that I needed to maintain not just for myself but for the sake of my daughter. I think about this when people say that motherhood/parenthood becomes some women’s identity…I’m always interested to know how many of those people create space for the fully consumed mother to get consistent self-time. Do any of those people offer to step in and be the support she needs to take care of herself, too? Do any of those people seriously consider what showing up for her (and her child(ren) looks like?
It sounds good to tell mothers that they shouldn’t get lost in their children…but for mothers who don’t have any tag team partners, their children’s lives remain paramount usually until they’re off to college or move out. I’ve promised myself not to become a mother who gets lost in her child but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel like I was doing something wrong when I go run errands and stay out a little later than usual just to have some silence. I take myself out to dinner and wonder what my kid is eating or has eaten…and usually return home with something for her if she hasn’t eaten by the time I call to check in. I take myself shopping and always feel compelled to get her a little something too. There are times when I’ll delay getting a pedicure just to make sure she gets one too. My brain can’t conceive of taking care of myself and not taking care of her in the same way.
Because I often feel forgotten, like an afterthought, and not considered in a lot of cases, I never want my daughter to experience those feelings. Especially not from me… so what might look like something that could possibly be unhealthy, it’s more so coming from a place of making sure my daughter never feels unwanted. I want her to understand that the challenges of mother/parenthood don’t come from her but from not having the village I know we both have always deserved. My dislike of parenthood has to do with the push for women to become mothers while being told no one owes them anything. My dislike of motherhood has to do with men wanting children but not wanting to raise them and also being allowed to view children they’ve sired as optional, even after they’re born.
We were lied to about what motherhood and parenthood COULD look like and what some people WOULD experience if they feel on the less fortunate end of the life spectrum. It’s hard to not stay in perpetual state of anger, but I don’t stay angry because I don’t know how to let go and move on. I stay angry because I’m reminded everyday that people don’t really give a fuck about children.
And I care SO much. So much that I’ll maintain this anger because it fuels my determination to be a good mother, despite all of the obstacles. I might not like mother/parenthood but I love my daughter and she makes my continued efforts to be a good mother worth it all.
