Remember, Remember the 3rd of November
When I think of success, I think of winning something, therefore it can’t be measured by one thing or one person. I was sitting with the success of my life and I think because all of my success required so much determination and consistency, I don’t spend enough time celebrating it.
I have survived so many things that can be counted as success… an abusive home life, being unhoused more than once, an abusive marriage, working for white people who don’t give two flying fucks about my livelihood, knocking on deaths door from being chronically ill, and Amerikkka, in general. All of this has been done by simply putting one foot in front of the other and sometimes just telling myself I can make it to the next 24 hours.
It makes me appreciate life in ways that I don’t articulate a lot because the weight of surviving can still be heavy. It sometimes makes me anxious because my life has been nothing but surviving one thing after another. I think this is why I’m irritated with the notions to get out of survival mode and live in thriving mode. That suggestion to a Black woman is tone deaf as fuck. Even when another Black woman urges Black women to stop simply surviving and start thriving, my first thought is what are you doing to help her thrive… because the act of thriving isn’t something you can just do out of thin air by yourself.
To step away from survival mode, the things you are actively surviving must no longer be clear and present dangers. Again I ask, when has that ever been the case for the majority of Black women? And the way things are going in this country, thriving has been pushed further away from our reach. Yes, some of us have been doing everything in our power to have a soft life but we unfortunately don’t live in a time period where that can be a full-time occupation. We can take advantage of softness as our time, budget, and mental capacity allow.
I think about what thriving looks like to me and I’ve accepted that it might not be anything I can achieve here in the USA any time soon… the powers that be are determined to keep my survival paramount. As the days continue though, I 100% understand why James Baldwin said fuck this country and moved his ass to France. He wanted to escape racism and homophobia, relax, and have a clear head to write.
James’ need is where I want to succeed. Over 20 years ago, I was planning to leave this country for the very same reason. Instead, I made some decisions that have kept me here and all of my successes up to this point cannot measure to my main goal of leaving this country. That’s my ultimate success… residing somewhere that allows me to relax long enough to write all the things I really want to get out my head.
May this dream come true….more sooner than later.
