The World Doesn’t Need More Selfish Parents

I find it odd that when you ask people WHY they want children, they cannot hear when their reasons are self-serving... it's even more oddly interesting that when attention is drawn to the selfishness, defensiveness quickly follows... as if there can be no corrective thoughts or actions to our initial reasoning. It's the digging of the heels into our selfishness that convinces me that an alarming amount of people want, have, and raise children to fill a gaping wound that babies could never fix. For one, that isn't their responsibility and two, children are illuminators of every damn skill and inefficiency we possess... and it isn't even that they're trying to be a constant mirror... it comes with the territory of carrying our DNA. Everyone can embody the best and worst of every strand of their DNA, gifts handed down to us by our parents.

However, our views and treatment of children tend to lean towards that of hierarchy reigning supreme. So, if who we are is reflected in unattractive ways, we seek to shutdown the mirroring instead of addressing what's being put on display. We hold children to a much higher standard from the minute they're born and refuse to acknowledge it. We claim we want to do and be better than the previous generations while still clinging to antiquated parenting blueprints. We want our children to show up in ways we never have and aren't actively taking the steps to be the example they need.

It's wild how our brains can convince us that just because some words leave our mouths about wanting to be a good parent, it becomes a truth... when we don't apply that same thought to how others treat us... and rightfully so but the burden of proof we expect of others applies to parenting too. Parenting is a lifelong process of proving we're worth being this supreme presence in our children's lives; it doesn't end the minute they're a legal adult. And it isn't a position of power to flex in moments of inadequacy.

Here's where the holding a higher set of standards for our children than we're performing comes into the picture. Selfish parents often say "be better than me", while offering no guidance or example of what better looks like. As parents, we have plenty of ideas of who we don't want our children to be. How often do we sit with what it takes for children to be who they're supposed to be versus who we want them to be? If we aren't actively learning, being open to correction, and willing to do anything differently than what we're familiar with, we'll 9 times out of 10 be raising children to become who we wish we were or worse. When we sit with that, it puts us on the same level as a child and I think that's part of the discomfort that keeps us in selfish parenting mode. We want our years of experiencing life and our status of being their parent to matter more than the life they actually have to live being attached to us for the rest of their lives.

While it's convenient to fall back on "I'm doing the best I can" and comfortably lean into the words from others that every parent did/does their best, that's nothing more than centering adults in a relationship that involves someone other than themselves. I don't think we truly hear how selfish those statements are and how it disregards the impact that our choice of parenting can have on children. In these instances, I challenge all parents to take a step back and be honest... how would you feel every time your child/children needed some correction, guidance, or needed to accept accountability, their response would be "I'm doing the best I can" with no corrective action to do better?

The reality is, a lot of parents would see and hear that as nothing more than an excuse to not do what they believe their child knows they should be doing. However, just as it's (typically) our first time being parents, it's their first time being a child. Just as we're figuring out this parenting thing, children are figuring out how to exist beyond breathing air and eating food. Unfortunately, many parents don't extend much grace in that area because it's a deeply ingrained belief that children should just do what they're told and they should trust that parents always have children's best interest in mind. However, after looking a little closer, a lot of parents operate from a place of assuming what's best and it usually aligns with what's easiest for ourselves, not necessarily the child.

I won't pretend like more than one thing can't be true at the same time though. Yes, some parents really are doing the best they can so it isn't a self-centered statement for them… however, we have to stop acting like our current best is good enough. I don't say this to mean drive yourself insane catering to your children. I say this to mean when we attempt to do our best, have we even paused to consider if it aligns with who our children are? Do we even know who our children are to successfully do this? Because in any other relationship, it's understood that we must be considerate of the other person before doing things that could impact them; we understand that doing otherwise is selfish. So, why wouldn't we apply the same reasoning to the relationship we're cultivating with our children? Shouldn't they be important enough to keep this in mind beyond words?

We cannot continue to use the reasoning that since we've been a child before and they haven't, we know better. We have an idea, based on our own experiences and how our parents raised us; we don't know what it's like to be our children, nor do we know what it's like to be parented by ourselves. Many of us start out emulating the first examples we had of parenting... our own parents. It's my belief that this is a connecting of dots that we easily bypass due to its simplicity... and also having to acknowledge that parenting involves work on ourselves, not just dictating the course of a lesser experienced human's life.

Children aren't projects with a 18 year expiration date that we get to fail, while pleading for a passing grade because "we did our best." There aren't any participation trophies for being called a parent. Children are a lifetime investment of our time, attention, love, kindness, compassion, loyalty, integrity, consideration, and guidance. We look at current generations and complain about all the things that are wrong with them as if we had nothing to do with who they currently are and who they will become. We want the credit for parenting when children show up in ways that make us proud, when we can brag about their accomplishments, and they shine light on everything we did right. However, selfish parenting is highlighted when our children's life journey takes an unexpected turn and they're not doing things we can smile about, openly share with others, or reflect the hard work we were so sure we were doing.

The world doesn't need more selfish parents because it only aids in breeding a population of selfish people. We can't wish for better and actually think it'll come to fruition without doing something different. So... if we want a more loving, considerate, kind, and caring world, we should consider how well we're being the change we wish to see towards the children. The children will always be the future and as parents, we get a pivotal, contributing role if we can just manage our selfishness.