Memento Mori - November 2024

November has come and gone….

My last memento stated that I would be writing about my joy for the rest of the year.

However…

…because I intentionally acknowledge reality as it’s happening (even when it fucking sucks), I have to say that October was still semi-dreadful. That’s all the acknowledgement I will give it… for now.

The month of October was over before it started and yet it still managed to heavily bleed into my November. It’s been non-stop with me becoming the proverbial soccer mom (Bug doesn’t play soccer; she swims), becoming a full-time chauffeur to the kiddo since her volunteering, leadership commitments, and social life have ramped up. Funny thing is I started preparing for this over a year ago because I knew it was going to happen, I just didn’t know when. So instead of cleats and dirt in the trunk, we have the sweet aroma of chlorine and the dampness of swim fins. Practice is from 7:45p-9p, Monday - Thursday; we both look forward to Friday just to have a few more hours of rest in the evening.

Speaking of rest, I’ve been taking a few cues from my kid about resting. She’s never been one to deny herself sleep or just being a rest potato when necessary. She’s actually one of the best examples about making time to rest. She will decline invites to go have fun with friends if she hasn’t gotten enough energy during the week. Sometimes she’ll pause her work to just rest and it doesn’t mean she’s even sleeping. She’s deadass serious about being still and being a potato. We’ve all seen what potatoes do when they’re left alone. They sprout new growth… and she’s no exception to that rule. I love that she’s grown to manage her time better so she can balance her work, play and rest, without too much intervening from me. Granted, it might go off the rails at times but she’s a teenager, and more importantly a human being who must learn from her experiences. No different from anyone else. I notice where her growth pops up and it makes me even more proud of her than I already am.

I do think she can be a bit over the top about being a straight A student but everything is a competition with this kid. Her words, not mine: “You aren’t the only one who can get perfect grades!” Mind you, I don’t have perfect grades. I just haven’t gotten less than a A in the last 3 years… and it was during the early part of the pandemic, I’d had a major surgery, my father had passed away, and my body & brain didn’t give no fucks about what grade I was getting. While my advisors all said “C’s get degrees”, that isn’t something I lean into unless life is at its peak level of overwhelm. I cannot help but think about the amount of debt it’s taking to even attain this degree and since I gotta pay for this debt, I might as well get the grades reflective of how much I think this education is truly worth. My brain won’t allow me to do mediocre work for such a hefty price. So, I do my best… and it just so happens to land me on the Dean’s List and a few honor societies. I’d be lying if I said Bug wasn’t watching me though… I can tell when I need to tighten my shit up too because when I slack off, so does she.

My pushing through will always be about me but being watched like a hawk makes it about her too.

The older Bug gets the more I like her as a person. There hasn’t really been a time when I didn’t like her though… even in our 6-7 year rough patch. I still liked her. Her behaviors were the most challenging I’ve ever had to deal with but she was processing a lot of things that were out of her control. Imagine a 4 year old trying to figure out why their life had suddenly changed for the absolute worst and assuming it was their fault. I don’t put any blame on her for not knowing what to do, say, or be during those years. Hell, I didn’t know what to do, say, or be either and I’m 30 years older than her. We were both dealing with something that was new, spirit crushing, confusing, and at the time, seemed unbearable. It’s ALWAYS a mentally tough battle trying to resolve why someone you’d never imagined leaving actually does. It makes forever seem like a word that should have never been created. It fucks with your head… a lot. I know it has for me since childhood so I don’t hold Bug to a higher standard. She’s human and has to learn about life, no different than me.

I sat on this post for two months and didn’t post it because I wasn’t in a sharing mood… even if it was with just the ether of the net. I’ve returned to hit “Publish” because I should have posted the December Memento Mori too. I’ll touch on the delays in the next post… stay tuned. November bled into December in some of the most unexpected ways. For instance, I turned 45 and… it was anticlimactic for a plethora of reasons. I am admitting this out loud that I 100% allowed external shit (people and things) to rain on my 45th parade. It isn’t anything I want to list in detail right now but it was somewhat of a wake up call to start a new tradition for my birthday…more so to fortify the happiness I want to maintain the entire month of November. I want to ensure that even when it is clear that others have no interest in celebrating me or celebrating me in ways that are important to me, I will no longer let it knock the wind out of me celebrating myself. Here we go into December….

Memento Mori - October 2024

Blue Valentine - A limitless potential
Created by Eva Gamayun

I sneezed and September was over.

A lot happened in that blink of time though… the daughter turned 15 years old. I don’t think that I’ll ever get used to being HER mother. I don’t wear the clothing of parenthood as this thing that defines who I am… and I think that’s why it still feels odd to call her “mine.” Maybe some parents do feel like they own their children, hence their possessiveness… but I still don’t feel it. I DO feel like I have a huge responsibility attached to the rest of my life BECAUSE I made the wild ass decision to let life enter this world through me… but it’s a responsibility I keep finding the courage to honor… because I want to…. because she’s worth it.

I don’t view motherhood/parenthood SPECIFICALLY as an obligatory crushing weight. It’s more of a chosen commitment that should never be broken. Do I have the option to break this covenant? Sure. There are breeders and penis wielders who do it everyday without even batting an eye. The creation of a child means nothing to them beyond the fact that another person exists in the world because they had sex. I still carry the pregnancy test with me everywhere I go…it serves as a reminder of many things but mainly that I CHOSE to be a mother… because at any point, I CAN choose not to be…. I also think about what that would mean to her if I just gave up because some shit got hard. It’s the worst kind of coward I could ever choose to be.

Even in my worst mental moments of life since the kiddo has been born though, my brain refuses to let me seriously entertain living without her. My lifelong buddies, A&D, have done their best to convince me that Bug would be better off without me. However, that’s MOSTLY when they hang out with SI too long. SI is that one “friend” that lives in the quotations because they’re not a real friend to anyone even though they never seem to really go away. They tell all of us things that aren’t true, encourage the worst of behavior, and support fuckery that typically wouldn’t have space to chill. There’s a part of my brain that wholeheartedly believes SI is the worst enemy I’ve ever had…but SI remains familiar.

I’ve been ignoring the nagging spirit of SI lately, especially during the blink of September… but it’s hard because this is when seasonal moods start lurking in the shadows a little longer than usual. The more I sit with why it starts in September, the more I have to acknowledge how much of an insidious ass heaux Capitalism is… another presence that can’t be avoided no matter how hard I try. Every day of September took me from contentment to meh and then from there to exhaustion and frustration, with a dash of existential dread because it isn’t JUST my world that’s up in flames (figuratively and literally). Everyday there was something that added to the layers of this gloomy and doom filled picture of life.

But then there were moments that assured me it wasn’t ALL bad. The happiness about being a year older was also sprinkled throughout the entire month of September. Those sprinklings nudged me away from SI’s fonky ass who had cleverly slipped their arm in mine, like they were going to sit around and stay for a minute. I think this is why it’s so important to make sure you KEEP joy in your life… whatever shape or form it is, make sure you do whatever is necessary to maintain it. For me, I remind myself to laugh at least once a day. It might seem insignificant BUT there hasn’t been a time when I was laughing that I actually WANTED to be hanging out with A&D or SI. My brain does this weird thing where it looks for more things to laugh and smile about. Before I know it, those intrusive ass thoughts have simmered down to make room for hopefulness and gratitude.

This is my brain everyday. Sounds exhausting BECAUSE IT IS.

However, doing things like writing these Memento Mori’s are reminders that everything isn’t all bad, all the time.

I closed out September managing intrusive thoughts BUT ALSO making space for whatever slivers of joy could seep into this raggedy ass life. Yes, it’s a daily juggling act but I think it’s one I keep doing because there ARE days when the good outweighs the bad. And that’s what I look forward to in October, November, December, and the years to come in my life.

I don’t want SI getting too comfortable during holiday season so look forward to the next few months being about all the things I enjoy, love, like, and want more of in my life. Until then, I’ll be living as best I can. I hope the same for anyone reading this…